we were more than just a tour date

1:12pm: ok everybody, i got a new lj, its BrendaMortician, and i already added all of you
and theres little annoying kids skating in my driveway

12:23pm: im going to be dieting/fasting for the next 3 wks, i must be skinny by the time i enter college, so all ill eat is jello and water, to bad there is no jello
oh and have i already mentioned no ozzfest for me this year?

11:25am: i went driving yesterday, for like the third time in my life!
then i told my mom we should go to big lots.
we only had $.86 to spend, so we were trying to steal chocolates, but we couldnt get any of the bags open. yep, aint that interesting.
i will have pretty pretty pictures of me soon, yessum,
once i get a hold of someones comp.
Love you all

7:18pm:

2:56pm:

6:45am: Personal Information
First Name//: Brenda
Age//: 18
Gender//: Female
Nickname(s)//:
Hair Color//: black
Hair Style//: short and flipped out
Eye Color//: Dark brown

What is your favorite
Color//: black and hot pink
Game//: i dont like games
Song//: Every tool song
Music Video//: Every tool video
Animal//: monkeys and penguins
Sport//: masturbating, hehe
Country//: US, its the only one ive been to
Movie//: the nightmare before christmas, edward scissorhands, and the crow
Food//: mashed potatoes and chicken pot pies, yessum

Friends
Best//: jessica parker and sarah grumpet
Funniest//: grumpet
Coolest//: parker, grumpet, and l. smith
Sweetest//: L. Smile
Kindest//: L. Smile
Annoyingest//: i love my friends, none of my friends are annoying
Dullest//: what?
Stupidest//: ok, this is getting mean
Most Intelligent//: jeremy
Athletic//: umm, i dunno

Relationships
Boy(Girl)friend//: Heh...me? Yeh, right. It'll never happen.
Are you in love right now//: well im not sure what being in love is, no, yess i am, im in love with Sarah Grumpet!!!!!
Do you have a crush//: nope
Do you have a stalker//: i only wish
Do you miss someone right now//: i miss everyone every second of my life

What do you do
At school//: listen
At home//: sit in my room and stare at blank walls all day while listening to tool
Outside//: get the mail
When you first wake up//: open my eyes

What _____do you hate
Food//: beans
Color//: green
Hair color//: brown
Tv show//: all mtv shows
Clothing style//: uhh none
Movie//: boring ones

Emotions Right Now
Are You Happy Right Now//: not really
Sad//: no
Grumpy//: no
Annoyed//: no..again
Angry//: why would i be
Sick//: of what?
Lonely//: yes!
Bored//: kinda

Have you ever
Made your own religion//: no, thats scary, religion is scary
Written backwards//: no
Written your own magazine//: no
Drawn art//: yes, i am an artist
Got angry with a game//: yes, thats why i dont like them
Played Lacrosse//: no
Broken a bone//: no
Dyed your hair//: plenty of times
Put in contacts for no reason//: no
Swam alone//: no

Things that come to mind when you read...
Intelligentence//: huh?
Stupidity//: i hate stupid people
Depress//: cut
Blood//: more cutting
Blue//: yea
Gray//: yea
Sword//: nothing
Golf//: Stocstill
Soccer//: Jose
Yellow//: crayon
Socks//: i love socks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favorite article of clothes
Ribbon//: my pretty pink bow!

Random Questions
Play Sports, if so, what ones//: no, and dont you mean which ones?
Have a lot of friends//: nope
Write good//: i believe so
Eat a lot//: i guess, otherwise i wouldnt be a fatass, right?
Like the day Friday//: sure
Like the month December//: no

Do you(or are you)
(DY)Give good advice//: nope
(DY)Talk crap//: on certain people, but not my friends
(DY)Play a lot of games//: goddammit, i hate games!
(DY)Wear hats//: nope
(DY)Like to be outside//: no
(AY) Always mad//: no
(AY) Always happy//: no
(AY) A good friend//: i believe so

This or that (Last questions)
Night or day//: night
Snow or Rain//: rain
Stars or the Moon//: stars!!!!!!!!
Ocean or Pool//: pool
Boat or Plane//: neither
Books or Magazines//: depends
Yu-Gi-Oh Cards or Pokemon Cards//: neither
Blonde or Black Hair//: both, blonde and black hair=hottness
Green or Blue Eyes//: green
Pants or Shorts//: pants
Pop or Rock//: rock
Punk or Emo//: emo
Tatoos or Piercings//: piercing, but dont you mean tattoos?
Necklace or Ring//: necklace...i always have to have a necklace
Clouds or No Clouds//: whatever
Art or Literature//: art, i <3 dali
Jeans or Baggy Pants//: jeans
Singing or Dancing//: singing
March or May//: whatever
Halloween or Christmas//: halloween, thats me favorite holiday
Coke or Pepsi//: coke
Hug or Kiss//: hugs definitely, of kissing once its not around the lips area

6:36am: oh yea, and someone else i would fuck in a heartbeat, Salvador Dali cause I find his artwork fuckin amazing.

i have butterflies in my tummy

7:32pm: If only I were fake.
My face made of porcelain.
My insides made of cotton.
No brain to think nor a heart to feel.
I would have a price tag...of more than a dollar.
There would be no need to cry at night.
People would see me.
Children would want me.
A toy.
Merely nothing more.
I'm still real.
My face made of skin.
No insides made of cotton.
A brain to think and a heart to feel.
I have a price tag...of less than a dollar.
Tears every fucking night.
People see me.
No one wants me.
A toy.
Simply nothing more.
If only I were fake.

7:25pm: ok so i just saw pictures of trent reznor and i might say that i would fuck him too in a heartbeat, oh and not to forget the almighty TWIGGY, him to i would fuck in a heartbeat

11:26am: well there's this guy on the spanish radio station thats a transvestite
and he's like a psychic or something and he reads the tarot
so i begged my mom to call him/her and ask him/her if i was ever going to get over my social anxiety disorder
all he told her was that she needed to take me to therapy
ive been going to therapy for two fuckin years, and ive been on so many different medications, and it hasnt done shit!
so i was just like fuck that

9:13pm: So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.


We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.

Alive

This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive

Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing
chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.

2:59pm: i would fuck maynard james keenan in a heartbeat

8:36am: well lets see
yesterday me lorena and my mom went shopping for dresses for lorena's wedding
and i found the hottest hotpink dress and this green one
maybe if i werent so fat they would probably have fitted.
then the fire alarm went off in the store so we all had to leave.
so we decided to go to goodcents, and you know what my mother did?
she stole a cookie!
and for some reason that was funny
but its not funny when i steal
even though i have only stolen twice in my life
a pink choker thing with silver stars from hottopic and these pink panther socks that say "i do bad things" from big lots, oh the irony
bt anyways
i cant wait till i get my financial aid money
im getting my lip pierced on twice on the left side
its gonna look so goddamn hott!

8:16am: im sick of always doing everything wrong
if i didnt want to put stress on lorena and her child
its a guarntee that i would be dead right now
i hate me
i hate me so much

i havent been able to sleep for the past two days
i have two fans in my room and its still over 90 degrees in there
please, can i spend the night at your house?

9:07am: i must say...
that i fell for him
when he held me
when he kissed me
the whole thing was so sweet
but i wish i hadnt been so stupid
and thought that he could actually like me.
he was talking to someone else
he couldve just told me.
along time ago.
he just proves it.
that im never good enough.
for anyone
that im second best.
once second best
always second best.

10:10pm: "your lips feel soft on my skin
but your words bring me down...
your neglect makes me cry"

12:55am: ok so now im reading my really old journal, and this stuff just made me laugh
http://www.livejournal.com/users/soadfairy/64670.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/soadfairy/64812.html
and theres the entry about danny starks, how he just kissed me and ran off, weird stuff man
oh and i totally remember this
http://www.livejournal.com/users/soadfairy/58664.html
and those emotions are still with me, except the i love her part

and it is now 1:26

11:34pm: so i have the house all to myself again
and i cant get a hold of him
we could be up watching movies right now!
weee, doesnt that sound like fun
maybe tomorrow

11:36am: i need to stop
i need to stop hurting myself
i need to learn how to control my emotions
i need to learn how to stop feeling
i need to learn how to stop from hurting
i talked to marc, i told him that i was sorry for whatever i did, that he was great friend and a great person to talk to
and he told me that i didnt do anything wrong
but i did
if i hadnt
we would still be friends
and that just makes me feel shittier
because if i didnt do anything wrong, then why the fuck did all that shit happened
cause i suck
egh

9:42am: so yesterday i went to sleep like at 6am cause i was reading all my journal entries, i only got to july 03 tho, and i cried so much. so i ended up waking up like at 7pm. then ms. jessica parker called me, it turns out her bday was june 16th and not july 17th, so somehow i added a month and a day to her bday, and i felt bad. then i called jeremy and i guess he was drunk again cause he's a loser and thats the only thing to do ;)
man, sometimes i wish i could just go to the past and not fuck things up, i let people i cared about so much get away
oh well, hopefully ill be able to get them back

2:03am: omg, im sitting here at 2 reading the journal entries from like march of 03, and its so ridicules, and i just remembered stuff, like how i liked this guy, and i totally forgot about that, then i read some entry where i took 15 paxil and it didnt do anything so i was thinking about taking 30, i fuckin took 35 the other day and it didnt do shit!
so yea, ive been here for an hour and a half and i must keep reading

1:38am: woah, were have i been
mars, do you know steveo???

12:44am: i got my hair cut and dyed today
well i cut and dyed my own hair
and i fucked it all up!
ugh, i hope it grows fast
i love you all
yes sarah, especially you!

9:56pm: well he hasnt called yet
i am, however, online right now, so who knows
he might be calling now?
i wanted him to come over
so we could hang out or something
or so that he could spend the night
since no one is home tonight
and im soo bored
i dunno
maybe he'll call tomorrow...


yes, he has called now
and he was drunk like he said he would be
but its all good
definitely

3:29pm: flicker to survive
by
chloe bridges

i watched an era end with you
and your kisses dropped my jaw
trying to be the one you could trust
as we danced under the stars

the brigtest of them were in your eyes
ive been around the block more than you
and even wrapped around your finger
i am done with all the games you play with me

this taunting is getting old
i am alive and youre still nothing
when the morning light peeks over the clouds

sunset is now gone
my pain is towards the morning
hopless in romance
hopeless in life




you know, i kinda feel like this about certain people, and i kinda feel like some people feel like this about other people, but damn, i love this song, cause parts of it are just so true, especially the "this taunting is getting old" part!damn justin ellison, i love you for writting this song and giving me something to contemplate about
if you guys only knew
also, ive given up on the male gender
they all think im too weird, either cause i dont talk at all, or cause i just talk weird stuff
oh well
steveo was the probably the only one that didnt think i was weird...
right
i love you all
well most of you