we were more than just a tour date
You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
26th July 2004
i went driving yesterday, for like the third time in my life! :
then i told my mom we should go to big lots.
we only had $.86 to spend, so we were trying to steal chocolates, but we couldnt get any of the bags open. yep, aint that interesting.
i will have pretty pretty pictures of me soon, yessum,
once i get a hold of someones comp.
Love you all
24th July 2004
Personal Information :
First Name//: Brenda
Hair Color//: black
Hair Style//: short and flipped out
Eye Color//: Dark brown
What is your favorite
Color//: black and hot pink
Game//: i dont like games
Song//: Every tool song
Music Video//: Every tool video
Animal//: monkeys and penguins
Sport//: masturbating, hehe
Country//: US, its the only one ive been to
Movie//: the nightmare before christmas, edward scissorhands, and the crow
Food//: mashed potatoes and chicken pot pies, yessum
Best//: jessica parker and sarah grumpet
Coolest//: parker, grumpet, and l. smith
Sweetest//: L. Smile
Kindest//: L. Smile
Annoyingest//: i love my friends, none of my friends are annoying
Stupidest//: ok, this is getting mean
Most Intelligent//: jeremy
Athletic//: umm, i dunno
Boy(Girl)friend//: Heh...me? Yeh, right. It'll never happen.
Are you in love right now//: well im not sure what being in love is, no, yess i am, im in love with Sarah Grumpet!!!!!
Do you have a crush//: nope
Do you have a stalker//: i only wish
Do you miss someone right now//: i miss everyone every second of my life
What do you do
At school//: listen
At home//: sit in my room and stare at blank walls all day while listening to tool
Outside//: get the mail
When you first wake up//: open my eyes
What _____do you hate
Hair color//: brown
Tv show//: all mtv shows
Clothing style//: uhh none
Movie//: boring ones
Emotions Right Now
Are You Happy Right Now//: not really
Angry//: why would i be
Sick//: of what?
Have you ever
Made your own religion//: no, thats scary, religion is scary
Written backwards//: no
Written your own magazine//: no
Drawn art//: yes, i am an artist
Got angry with a game//: yes, thats why i dont like them
Played Lacrosse//: no
Broken a bone//: no
Dyed your hair//: plenty of times
Put in contacts for no reason//: no
Swam alone//: no
Things that come to mind when you read...
Stupidity//: i hate stupid people
Blood//: more cutting
Socks//: i love socks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favorite article of clothes
Ribbon//: my pretty pink bow!
Play Sports, if so, what ones//: no, and dont you mean which ones?
Have a lot of friends//: nope
Write good//: i believe so
Eat a lot//: i guess, otherwise i wouldnt be a fatass, right?
Like the day Friday//: sure
Like the month December//: no
Do you(or are you)
(DY)Give good advice//: nope
(DY)Talk crap//: on certain people, but not my friends
(DY)Play a lot of games//: goddammit, i hate games!
(DY)Wear hats//: nope
(DY)Like to be outside//: no
(AY) Always mad//: no
(AY) Always happy//: no
(AY) A good friend//: i believe so
This or that (Last questions)
Night or day//: night
Snow or Rain//: rain
Stars or the Moon//: stars!!!!!!!!
Ocean or Pool//: pool
Boat or Plane//: neither
Books or Magazines//: depends
Yu-Gi-Oh Cards or Pokemon Cards//: neither
Blonde or Black Hair//: both, blonde and black hair=hottness
Green or Blue Eyes//: green
Pants or Shorts//: pants
Pop or Rock//: rock
Punk or Emo//: emo
Tatoos or Piercings//: piercing, but dont you mean tattoos?
Necklace or Ring//: necklace...i always have to have a necklace
Clouds or No Clouds//: whatever
Art or Literature//: art, i <3 dali
Jeans or Baggy Pants//: jeans
Singing or Dancing//: singing
March or May//: whatever
Halloween or Christmas//: halloween, thats me favorite holiday
Coke or Pepsi//: coke
Hug or Kiss//: hugs definitely, of kissing once its not around the lips area
23rd July 2004
If only I were fake. :
My face made of porcelain.
My insides made of cotton.
No brain to think nor a heart to feel.
I would have a price tag...of more than a dollar.
There would be no need to cry at night.
People would see me.
Children would want me.
Merely nothing more.
I'm still real.
My face made of skin.
No insides made of cotton.
A brain to think and a heart to feel.
I have a price tag...of less than a dollar.
Tears every fucking night.
People see me.
No one wants me.
Simply nothing more.
If only I were fake.
well there's this guy on the spanish radio station thats a transvestite :
and he's like a psychic or something and he reads the tarot
so i begged my mom to call him/her and ask him/her if i was ever going to get over my social anxiety disorder
all he told her was that she needed to take me to therapy
ive been going to therapy for two fuckin years, and ive been on so many different medications, and it hasnt done shit!
so i was just like fuck that
22nd July 2004
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm :
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.
We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing
chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.
well lets see :
yesterday me lorena and my mom went shopping for dresses for lorena's wedding
and i found the hottest hotpink dress and this green one
maybe if i werent so fat they would probably have fitted.
then the fire alarm went off in the store so we all had to leave.
so we decided to go to goodcents, and you know what my mother did?
she stole a cookie!
and for some reason that was funny
but its not funny when i steal
even though i have only stolen twice in my life
a pink choker thing with silver stars from hottopic and these pink panther socks that say "i do bad things" from big lots, oh the irony
i cant wait till i get my financial aid money
im getting my lip pierced on twice on the left side
its gonna look so goddamn hott!
21st July 2004
im sick of always doing everything wrong :
if i didnt want to put stress on lorena and her child
its a guarntee that i would be dead right now
i hate me
i hate me so much
i havent been able to sleep for the past two days
i have two fans in my room and its still over 90 degrees in there
please, can i spend the night at your house?
20th July 2004
i must say... :
that i fell for him
when he held me
when he kissed me
the whole thing was so sweet
but i wish i hadnt been so stupid
and thought that he could actually like me.
he was talking to someone else
he couldve just told me.
along time ago.
he just proves it.
that im never good enough.
that im second best.
once second best
always second best.
18th July 2004
ok so now im reading my really old journal, and this stuff just made me laugh :
and theres the entry about danny starks, how he just kissed me and ran off, weird stuff man
oh and i totally remember this
and those emotions are still with me, except the i love her part
and it is now 1:26
17th July 2004
i need to stop :
i need to stop hurting myself
i need to learn how to control my emotions
i need to learn how to stop feeling
i need to learn how to stop from hurting
i talked to marc, i told him that i was sorry for whatever i did, that he was great friend and a great person to talk to
and he told me that i didnt do anything wrong
but i did
if i hadnt
we would still be friends
and that just makes me feel shittier
because if i didnt do anything wrong, then why the fuck did all that shit happened
cause i suck
so yesterday i went to sleep like at 6am cause i was reading all my journal entries, i only got to july 03 tho, and i cried so much. so i ended up waking up like at 7pm. then ms. jessica parker called me, it turns out her bday was june 16th and not july 17th, so somehow i added a month and a day to her bday, and i felt bad. then i called jeremy and i guess he was drunk again cause he's a loser and thats the only thing to do ;) :
man, sometimes i wish i could just go to the past and not fuck things up, i let people i cared about so much get away
oh well, hopefully ill be able to get them back
16th July 2004
omg, im sitting here at 2 reading the journal entries from like march of 03, and its so ridicules, and i just remembered stuff, like how i liked this guy, and i totally forgot about that, then i read some entry where i took 15 paxil and it didnt do anything so i was thinking about taking 30, i fuckin took 35 the other day and it didnt do shit! :
so yea, ive been here for an hour and a half and i must keep reading
15th July 2004
well he hasnt called yet :
i am, however, online right now, so who knows
he might be calling now?
i wanted him to come over
so we could hang out or something
or so that he could spend the night
since no one is home tonight
and im soo bored
maybe he'll call tomorrow...
yes, he has called now
and he was drunk like he said he would be
but its all good
14th July 2004
flicker to survive :
i watched an era end with you
and your kisses dropped my jaw
trying to be the one you could trust
as we danced under the stars
the brigtest of them were in your eyes
ive been around the block more than you
and even wrapped around your finger
i am done with all the games you play with me
this taunting is getting old
i am alive and youre still nothing
when the morning light peeks over the clouds
sunset is now gone
my pain is towards the morning
hopless in romance
hopeless in life
you know, i kinda feel like this about certain people, and i kinda feel like some people feel like this about other people, but damn, i love this song, cause parts of it are just so true, especially the "this taunting is getting old" part!damn justin ellison, i love you for writting this song and giving me something to contemplate about
if you guys only knew
also, ive given up on the male gender
they all think im too weird, either cause i dont talk at all, or cause i just talk weird stuff
steveo was the probably the only one that didnt think i was weird...
i love you all
well most of you